


Raccoon/2020

by Ceewelsh



Series: Raccoon/2020 [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition, Alternate Universe - Flower Shop & Tattoo Parlor, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Drabble, Drabble Collection, Fake/Pretend Relationship, I Was Drunk When I Wrote This, Oral Not!Fic, Other, Roommates, Sharing a Bed, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Time Travel, soulmate goose enforcement
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:54:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 4,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25771669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ceewelsh/pseuds/Ceewelsh
Summary: Look sometimes you make a joke and then you follow through.This is a series of drabbles for the ship Raccoon/2020.For the pod-together2020 discord... although I'm not sure if they want credit.
Relationships: Raccoon/2020
Series: Raccoon/2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2090232
Comments: 12
Kudos: 18





	1. The Raccoon

_Drink count: 2_

The raccoon held their breath. The clock was counting down. They scurried between the legs of the humans packed onto the street.  
“10!”  
“9!”  
“8!”  
The raccoon didn’t know much. But they knew time. They knew years. And they knew the number that appeared on their wrist the day they turned 18. 2020. And it was here. Whatever this meant, whatever the year would bring. The raccoon knew destiny was upon them.  
“3!”  
“2!”  
“1!”  
The fireworks shot up, lighting the skies in all the colours of the rainbow and the raccoon closed their eyes and wished.  
2020 was here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look I don't know what I'm doing


	2. 2020

**Drink count: 2.5**

“New year, new me”. The humans said it on the first of January no matter what the year, no matter how the previous year had turned out. For 2020, it was a lot more complicated than that. Was 2019 the same year as 2020? No, of course not. 2020 was an original and she wasn’t ever going to have the same experiences. But he also wasn’t a separate entity entirely. They would go on to be 2021, and yet not. It would remember 2019 as she had all the prior years and he was one year. One chance. One opportunity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't as bad as Groot so I definitely shouldn't _apologise exactly_ at this point but uhh.  
> Yeah.  
> Let's hope these get better with alcohol?


	3. Raccoon Research: An Oral Not!Fic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I go to wiki to research for this fic and get sidetracked?

**Or if you prefer:**  


  
_(or click[here](https://ia601405.us.archive.org/25/items/raccoon-research/Raccoon%20Research.mp3) if your browser doesn't support HTML 5)_

Drink count: 3.5

**Transcript**

So [sigh] hmm. I’ve ended up on the wiki. Like as surprise to no-one for raccoons.  
And c-uh-b-uh [gibberish] um hm look basically I was just looking to find out if they are just native to America because [pause] in a roommate!AU I wanted to know whether I needed to say college? Umm. I – I do.  
So [pause] this this whole thing says like oh so it’s native to the red area and then introduced to the blue and I zoomed in on the blue because first of all I [sigh] I’m not good at geography. Like i-I-it the blue where it’s been reintroduced is mostly European geography and I still don’t know geography I understand that I _think_ [pause] I think that that’s like Denmark and a bit of Belgium and a bit of Germany and a bit of France that it’s been in – re-introduced to? But then like _pockets_ of other places and I’m not quite sure where it goes down to? I’ll need to get a map up and i- it w- they were introduced in Japan and also [pause] [quieter: Oh my God I’m so bad – at – geography – atlas – pleeaaase]  
There we are thank **YOU** so that’s [long pause].  
If you’re wondering uh how my Friday night is going uh wild as always, I’m trying to compare a dumb Wikipedia map to an atlas fou- uh an atlas map uuhhh which doesn’t actually say the countries on it so that’s uh that was a bad choice in picture there.  
Uhm [sigh][pause] I… [pause] You know how [sigh] how does your life get to this part? You know how do you end up [pause] sat here? I mea- yeah, it’s a global pandemic so that’s part of it but like I feel like [sigh] it’s not all that um I ffeel like I do have to take some responsibility for my life getting to this point uhhh [exhale] okay google MAPS tell me where this is [typing sounds]  
So it was introduced to the south… [pause][sigh][pause] [under breath: between]  
So it was introduced to like Georgia and Azerbaijan which uh my fellow Europeans will know as the GREATEST name to be said on Eurovision.  
[Loudly and dramatically: AZERBAIJAN!!!]  
Uhm [exhale] or you know because it’s a country and most people aren’t as bad at geography as I am and also like just to show you like how bad I am at geography WOW I did not know Russia went that far south.. Or wit is that.. no yeah that’s Russia. [pause] wait Moscow’s like basically as high as Cumbria? [softly and will feeling: what the fuck?]  
Uh so yeah I’m looking at where raccoons are introduced [pause] and I’m just DEEP into this Wikipedia page now because uh [long pause]  
For Christ’s sake I’ve just scrolled down and realised that obviousl- OBVIOUSLY because it’s Wikipedia I didn’t need to go onto Google maps to try and find out where that was because it’s further down in the bloody Wikipedia page.  
[pause]  
[sigh]  
[pause]  
You know, what? You know [sigh] people used to think I was smart – some people still THINK I’m smart like just. You know l- let that sink in. Some people think THIS GUY is smart.  
[pause]  
Woah, shout-out to Kassel, uh wherever that is. K-A-Double S-E-L uh in 2003 uh the percentage of urban raccoons sleeping in abandoned or unoccupied houses was 43%! [pause] Dang!  
Uhm. So. B-Really? Uh how common are these things? Cause I think I’ve seen a fox like three times maybe? Like [exhale] I dunno I feel like they seem to be a lot more common but they’re like similar sizes to foxes, right? Uhm. Hmm.  
I’ve seen a hedgehog a lot. Nearly stood on a hedgehog more times than you can count like when you’re walking home from the pub and you’re basically shitfaced and you’re like just TRYING to see straight enough to walk home and like the streetlights are alright but they’re pretty far apart so you have your torch on your phone and you look down just in time to see that you’re about to step on a hedgehog and you leap back far enough that you fall into someone’s hedge…  
[long pause]  
Obviously I’m talking hypothetically there uuuhhm.  
[pause]  
But yeah red squirrels I’ve seen a lot of like can’t move for red squirrels where I’m from I literally like I still get confused when I see grey squirrels because I’m like hmm [click] you’re just not as cute? And also what the fuck are you doing here? Uhm  
Yeah. I’ve seen a badger! [pause] Probably seen more badgers than I’ve seen foxes. [pause] And I’ve never seen an urban fox. And I’ve only ever seen a rat once – field mice I can deal with, rats? They freak me out because like [pause] I’m -I’m talking – I’m – this is all wild animals although I’ve never seen a pet rat like actually there. So I’ve only ever seen a w- wild rat _once_ near my uni accommodation and it scared the shit out of me like whoo.  
Anyway, I’m gonna go back to this I’m gonna pour myself another drink get back to this and um yeah [pause] I’m gonna write college rather than uni.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk what I'm doing you dont know what I'm doing but hey


	4. College Roomate!AU

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god they were roommates.

**Drink count: 4**

When the raccoon turned up to their college dorm room they didn’t know what to expect. They certainly didn’t expect to see 2020. They didn’t even know he was going to this college. When she turned around they looked into their eyes and they knew that this would be an interesting year. Whatever 2020 had in store, the raccoon knew it was going to be a wild ride. No matter what was to happen, they knew 2020 would be in the middle of it.  
All the raccoon could think as they turned back was thank God I’m wearing my mask.


	5. Accidental Baby Acquisition!AU

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is what it says on the tin

**Drink count: 4**

2020 didn’t know how the raccoon would react. They had put up with a lot, but this? This was more difficult to explain. It wasn’t as though it had thought it through but when he saw the poor baby there she couldn’t just do nothing. But how were they going to explain this to the raccoon?  
2020 knocked on the door as quietly as possible so as not to wake the sleeping baby in his arms. Raccoon opened the door and stared at 2020 in shock.  
“Why do you have a baby, and why are you holding it wrong?”


	6. Outsider POV Coffee Shop AU

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Outsider POV of the raccoon and 2020 working in a coffee shop.

**Drink count: 4.5**

The woman waved to the chef on his phone in the front of the kitchen as she headed up the stairs to get her fix of caffeine.  
She spread all her work out on the table as the waiter came over to her.  
“Woah, long day ahead I see!” They exclaimed, glancing over the piles of books. Kathy nodded.  
“I’ve got a whole load of exams coming up.” She said.  
“Ouch. I’m guessing you want the usual?” He asked, already writing it down. “Any food today?”  
“Maybe a bit later, I’ll let you know.” They smiled lightly as they walked back behind the counter, nudging the raccoon as they went. Kathy had been coming here every few days for a few months now and had noticed his relationship with them. She always initiated some sort of contact with them, bumping them lightly when telling a joke, a hand to the small of their back as they went past, and whenever she saw them zone out, it would poke them lightly in a kind of grounding gesture. Even now, Kathy watched as he leaned into their space even as they were guiding the milk-jug to make the leaf pattern Kathy knew she was getting.  
At first, Kathy hadn’t been sure if the raccoon had been reciprocating 2020’s feelings or if they had just felt too awkward to say anything, but as time went on she had noticed them giving little things back. When 2020 was on shift and it was quiet, the raccoon would quietly start on the washing up leaving 2020 to dry. If a piece of cake broke as they were taking it out of the cabinet, the raccoon would always save a part of it for 2020. Most noticeably, the raccoon always complained about making the speciality coffees (it takes so long for them to drip through, it’s so annoying!) but would make one for 2020 without even being asked.  
Kathy didn’t know if they were romantic, didn’t even know if either of them swung in any way at all, but she was glad to come here and glad to be able to share in even a small piece of their happiness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one isn't a drabble and also anytime you want come ask me about the unstoppable force (my knowledge of not just working in but owning a coffee shop and so my nitpicks about the AUs) vs the immovable object (my love for coffee shop AUs)  
> You can find me on tumblr at mayonnaisetoffees


	7. Soulmate Goose of Enforcement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A goose comes to 2020 to lead him to xyr destiny

**Drinks: 5 and a pitstop to draw some coffee cups.**

2020 looked up. Blinked. Blinked again, but it was still there. They were confused. Surely the goose thing was a human thing. And he wasn’t human. Ze was the abstract concept of a year. And yet. Here the goose was, standing right in front of it.  
Xe moved slowly to see what the goose would do. The goose started to move and she weighed hir options. She could follow the goose immediately and work out why he had been chosen for this rare destiny which, again, they thought was only for humans. It could wait and see what the goose would do to xem. He could –  
The goose started to circle back, wings rising up and on. Ze was fucked. This goose was spoiling for a fight and actually how did 2020 even know it was this kind of goose and not just a regular goose? The goose dove forwards and 2020 leapt back, the goose barely missing hym. Feeling it was in their best interests, 2020 stood quickly, showing the goose that she was ready to follow.  
He followed the goose for a while, feeling good about stretching its legs after far too long as an abstract concept. Every so often, the goose would stop and turn to attack, seemingly completely at random. 2020 dodged and wove as best xe could, but knew that there would be more than a few bruises and cuts on her body tomorrow.  
The goose circled around again and oh god another attack was coming. As the beak was slicing into their space, though, someone came between 2020 and the goose. A raccoon holding an airhorn blew it straight at the goose.  
“Get fucked!” The raccoon yelled, and the goose seemed to nod once, and turn away. As the goose disappeared, 2020 took a look at their saviour and instantly knew that this was to whom the goose was leading xyr.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently these aren't drabbles anymore


	8. Chapter 8

**Drink count: ~~5.5~~ ~~6~~ ~~6.5~~ 7**

The raccoon looked anxiously up at 2020. Their heart was hammering in their chest, but they didn’t know who else to turn to. They knew they shouldn’t have lied – lies always catch up in the end, but when Jim had kept hinting at getting drinks later, they needed an out and fast. And then 2020 had called them and hearing his voice made everything better. Then when Jim asked if she was their boyfriend, they hadn’t known how to respond other than correcting to significant other. This was a few months ago now and word had spread at work.  
And now the annual company trip was coming up and his colleagues had all assured him that 2020 would be more than welcome, that it was very informal and spouses and significant others came all the time. And the raccoon, a known people-pleaser, had caved. For some reason, asking 2020 to pretend to be their SO for the weekend was less daunting than telling their co-workers that 2020 couldn’t make it/they had broken up. So here the raccoon was, just a raccoon standing in front of a year, asking xym to pretend to date them for a weekend.  
“You uh, what? Why me?” 2020 locked eyes with the raccoon, seeming to search for something.  
“You’re the only one I could trust with something like this – the only one I know well enough to pull this off,” they said. 2020 looked away, leaving the raccoon unsure if he found what ze was looking for. “Please. I need you.”  
“I’ll do it.”  
Luckily the retreat was within driving distance so they both had some time to mentally prepare before getting into the characters of the disgustingly in love. The raccoon was glad to have 2020 with them. Usually these retreats were awkward at best and downright depressing at worst. People basically took it as an excuse to get drunk on company money and those in couples retired to bed early to have uncomfortably loud sex which they could all hear through the thin walls, and the single people tended to awkwardly mingle as those looking to hook up prowled the bar. The raccoon always found themself spending more time on their phone in the toilets until they felt they could safely leave for bed without anyone taking it as an invitation to try and join. At least there was 2020 here this time, so he would be a natural buffer and they’d be able to leave with her whenever they wanted. There would be some “team-building” activities throughout the weekend, so the raccoon was slightly worried how 2020 would get on with the other partners of if they’d regret agreeing.  
Upon arriving at the hotel, the raccoon tried to get them a second room, but the receptionist told them that the company had booked out the entire place. With a sinking stomach, the raccoon asked which kind of room they had, and the receptionist had good naturedly assured them that they had a double booked with 2020.  
“Great. Wonderful. Thanks.” The raccoon said, as they picked the keys up from the counter. They turned to find 2020 right behind them. “Sorry. I’ll uh. Work something out.”  
2020 picked up the handles of their bags and raised an eyebrow back at them.  
“I mean, what is there to work out? We’ve shared a bed before. Unless there’s another thing?” 2020 asked them, their eyes seeming to search again. The raccoon wished they knew what she was looking for so they might be able to give xym whatever it wanted.  
“No, no. You’re right. It’ll be fine.” 2020 nodded sharply and moved in the direction the receptionist had indicated.  
Once they were in the room, 2020 excused themself to grab a shower before the welcome dinner, and the raccoon sat on the bed. The air had been different since they’d left for this trip. There was a weight that the racoon couldn’t work out. There had never been this difficulty in their conversation before. Usually the raccoon knew what 2020 was thinking even when no-one else could make heads or tails of it. But right now, the raccoon had no idea. They rummaged around in the bag until they found their charger and plugged in, pulling up their emails and checking the itinerary while 2020 was in the bathroom.  
The raccoon heard the shower cut off, and glanced up as 2020 came back into the room. Ze were fully dressed and the raccoon looked up at it, feeling something they couldn’t quite name.

At the dinner, the raccoon was glad to find they were on a table with Greg and Talia and their husbands so the conversation flowed easily. 2020 had seemed nervous at first but she soon warmed up to the others and the raccoon felt increasingly glad that they’d made 2020 their fake SO. Ze filled the spaces in between conversation and lifted the atmosphere. Talia’s husband and 2020 were deep in conversation about some sort of pale lager. Talia caught their eye and rolled her eyes good naturedly.  
“Tell me about it.” She whispered conspiratorially. “We’ve been together twelve years now and I’ll never stop being glad that he has friends to talk beer with. I can only listen to it for so long before he realises I’m just looking at his eyes rather than listening. Although it’s a great trick, would recommend it.” The raccoon just smiled in response. They glanced at 2020 and caught xym looking at them. They held its gaze for a second and for a moment completely understood why Talia would spent a long time looking into her husband’s eyes. The ever-shifting vortex of hyr eyes were mesmerising. Then xe blinked and the spell was broken. The raccoon coughed and looked away, seeing Greg’s husband giving him a knowing look.  
Soon after the meal, the others left to return to their rooms.   
“Do you want to stay for a drink? The, uh, the thin walls tend to mean you don’t want to go back to the room for a while.” The raccoon awkwardly shuffled, hoping 2020 would get it without them having to explain further.  
“Oh. Oh right yes. Sure. Drink.” 2020 went to get the drinks while the raccoon did the essential rounds to speak to people. After a few minutes, the raccoon glanced up to see where 2020 had gotten to only to find Jim talking to her. 2020 didn’t seem to be uncomfortable, but he also didn’t seem to be particularly receptive. They excused themselves from their conversation and made their way over.  
“…you know I was starting to think they had just made you up! I mean you never came to anything before.” Jim was saying, leaning into zir space, obviously already drunk.  
“Aha. Yes, well. Uhm. My work can get very busy. But no, aha I’m definitely real. We’ve been together a while now, very happy.” 2020 told him, a strained smile on their face.  
“I mean, sure I guess. But you know what room I’m in if you want to try something different.” Jim told her with a wink, and the smile left 2020’s face.  
“Definitely not. Sorry, not sure what impression you got but I’m very much happy and in love with the raccoon. I don’t want or need anything else.” 2020 walked away from Jim then, meeting the raccoon and catching them by the elbow. “I think we should be safe to go back to the room now. Or like I don’t know. I have earphones, we can watch something.”  
As they made their way back to their room, the raccoon noted that as much as the rooms definitely were _not_ soundproof, the walls were at least thicker than some of the previous accommodations.  
The raccoon got changed in the bathroom and brushed their teeth. They couldn’t stop thinking about the dinner. Something about how easily 2020 had slipped in with everything was… not uncomfortable exactly. The opposite, really. They’d known each other for so long it shouldn’t be surprising that they were so comfortable around each other, that they could slip into other aspects of each other’s lives. But it was. And since they got back, it had somehow been as comfortable as always and yet there was a tension thick in the air. And the raccoon didn’t know what to make of that.  
When they went back into the main room, 2020 was sat on the left side of the bed watching something on the TV.  
“Doris has got this tin that she found in the loft right? Worth £3000!” 2020 grinned at them, gesturing at the screen. The raccoon felt affection warm them through and grinned back. 2020 pulled the duvet back and patted the bed next to xym. The raccoon walked up and got into bed next to him and listened to them talk about the antiques show she’d found. They kept thinking about what Talia had said and kept finding their eyes drifting up to 2020’s. Zir expression softened when xe realised that the raccoon was looking at them.  
“Sorry, it’s dumb I know.” It said.  
“No, no, not at all. I love hearing you talk about things you find interesting!” They assured her. 2020 gave them a strange look, but after a pause continued summarising what they were looking for on the show.  
The raccoon settled in and leant against 2020 as they felt themselves grow tired.  
A moment, or hours, later, the raccoon woke back up to find themselves lying down with their head in 2020’s lap. 2020 was carding their fingers through the raccoon’s hair. It wasn’t the first time that this had happened, but today, in this place, in the bed that they were sharing, it felt strangely intimate. But the raccoon didn’t find that they wanted him to stop, so they stayed still, relaxed back into it and pretended to still be asleep until they actually were.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so I'm pretty lampshaded now and listening to  Horrible Histories songs while I write so uhh make of that what you will.  
> Also this became 1.6k?? Blame disaronno.


	9. Time Travel AU

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The raccoon is a timetraveller. 2020 is not.  
> This is back to drabble format but I am drunk so may have miscounted.

**Drink count: Stopped after 8 and have now had some water and brushed my teeth and left water and breakfast biscuits within reach for hungover!me in the morning if I need them.**

2020 had known the raccoon since the day they first understood xyr destiny. She understood that the raccoon would be an inextricable part of his life, but an uncontrollable part as well. The raccoon had known xem as ze were as 2012 as much as they would when it was 2040. The raccoon always seemed to know her, and xe broke at the thought that one day he would know them, but they wouldn’t know em. All 2020 knew was that this was now, and the raccoon had arrived, and it would make the most of what time they had with them because there was no guarantee how long it would last.


	10. Tattoo Parlour/Flower Shop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2020 owns a tattoo parlour. Raccoon owns a flower shop.  
> Again not a drabble because maths.

**Drink count: Stopped after 8**

He was a year, they were a ‘coon. Can I make it any more obvious?  
No but really. 2020’s tattoo parlour was well established in that part of town, it had a vibe to it, a certain je ne sais quoi. They had zir cliental who expected things to look and feel a certain way. The shop was always clean and sanitary, but people wanted to feel tough when they came in here. What they absolutely did not want, is to wade through bouquets of pink and purple flowers to get into the shop. And yet the florists next door didn’t seem to realise how far across the property line their product spilt.   
The raccoon that ran it didn’t seem to have any time at all for 2020 – even going as far as to hide completely whenever she tried to speak to them. It was starting to get absolutely ridiculous. The only sign that xe had that the owner even acknowledged eir existence was the bouquet of flowers that would be left every Monday morning. They were always dark purples and blues with some bright reds in that perfectly accentuated the décor of the tattoo parlour enough that even 2020 couldn’t complain about the fact that it was flowers in the shop. They always lasted about a week, and when they started to die, she put them in the bin and came back the next morning to find a fresh bouquet tied to the handles with ribbon. He had been taking them for the apology of flower-spreading that ze assumed it was, and so hadn’t gotten much further in trying to meet the mysterious neighbour.  
Until they had to come in early one Monday, e had promised a friend that he could squeeze them in before work, and so she found emself at the tattoo parlour early enough to bump into the raccoon leaving the flowers tied with a flourish.  
“Oh. Um. Hi.” The raccoon acknowledged awkwardly.  
“Hi.” 2020 returned. “Nice to finally meet you, I was starting to think you’d been avoiding me.”  
“Oh haha. No. Um. Of course not. What possible reason could I have to avoid you?” The raccoon laughed awkwardly, looking down at their shoes.  
“Well exactly! Unless you’re well aware of the flowers coming onto my property and are planning on staging a coup by covering my entrance completely!” 2020 joked, and the raccoon looked up, stricken.  
“Oh my goodness, no! Um, I’m sorry about that. I’ll uh. I’ll try to keep it under control!” The raccoon locked eyes with xym and suddenly he forgot all of her points instantly.  
“I… Yes. Yeah. See that you do. And don’t be a stranger now that we’ve finally met!”  
“Oh. Uh. Of course not, haha. Yeah. I’ll, uh. I’ll do that. I mean not do that. I mean. Um. Okay-I-need-to-go-open-up-bye!” With that, the raccoon ran back to their shop, wrenching the door open and slamming it behind them. 2020 watched the space where they’d been and smiled.  
Oh yes. Xe absolutely needed to get to know them better.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic of] Raccoon/2020 - Soulmate Goose of Enforcement](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25775470) by [carboncopies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/carboncopies/pseuds/carboncopies)




End file.
